Black and White

I see the world in black and white. You think it's hard to have no grey areas? Well, even color is interpreted, in my mind, by black or white.

Things are either good or bad. There is no middle ground in my mind.

When I read the Bible it either says something or it doesn't. And it means what it says. You don't dismiss something as cultural. Neither do you read more into what's there than there is.

You are probably either good or bad in my mind. Which is hard for me because I'm a very loyal friend. When you disagree with me on an area that I see as black when you see it as white, or some other color, I really have to process that for a while. But I still love you--which makes it harder.

I struggle to understand the many stripes of Christianity that abound in this world. I'm quite sure that this isn't the way God intended for it to be. If everyone would just see the world like I do, than this wouldn't be a problem. We'd all interpret Scripture the same, the right way, of course.

I dislike this about myself--this seeing of things in black and white. Yet, I cannot change it. At at the same time I think I'm learning to be merciful. I have my husband to thank for that.

And I'm thankful for the grace of God. I'm sure that, because of the sovereignty of God, the grace of God is all the colors of the rainbow. And while I'm still not at liberty to excuse that which is so wrong in my mind, God is big enough to see the hearts and intentions of those around me. I'm thankful for his mercy--both for my colorblindness, and for people the world over who so desperately need, not for me to be judging, but for me to be loving--even when I cannot hope to understand them.

And I fear that this post will be hard for some of you to understand, unless, of course, you too see the world in black and white.

Quick Update

Life is going on here. I'm happier now. Back up from the crash of last blog post. We have a few more answers and more direction. Keep praying though.

Jube is happy and healthy. The last while he's been daily reminding me to give him his vitamins, and maybe it's my imagination, but I think he feels weller and behaves weller. He's discovered how to use his tractor book from Papa and Nanna. I had to tell him to keep Farmer Dray inside--he wanted to take him out to cut trees down. He likes Farmer Dray's chainsaw. I can't wait to take him home so that he can see my dad's woods machinery. I might just pull up some videos on You Tube for him to watch before that though. All things machinery are of interest to him. His vocabulary is growing. Usually we can even understand him although he doesn't pronounce his "f" or his "s" yet.

Havilah is sweet and smiley, smiley. So fun. No longer can she lay on the table for her nap. She's discovered how to roll over. I really do think she's about a month ahead of Jube on that, and the smiling thing. And she's chubby! We love her bunches.

Dru's got tests to create and then give on Friday night, then there's an break in English teaching for a month. Yippee!!! He'll use the "extra" time for continuing to make his curriculum better and fill in some gaps. Also will be nice to have this time to do more thinking and praying for our future here.

And now I need to go get my supper made and dishes done by the time my men get home for the evening. Jube went with Dru for English classes tonight. I always wonder if I should send him but I think it's good. Dru likes to take him with him and Jube loves it. So I send him and cover him in prayer. I'm generally a very paranoid mom, but I'm learning to balance it with prayer--at least in this area.

Tonight we have cell group at our house. I always enjoy this part of our lives. We're going to miss our cell group when the time comes to part ways!!

God bless you all!

I Crashed

So, after being able to cope so well for the last month as decisions to be made kept piling up and stress levels began to rise, I crashed on Friday. The peace I'd had suddenly turned into an awful heaviness. Perhaps it was because the real stuff started--that is, the tangible conflict. Rubber began to hit the road, so to speak.

I realized that we were on the verge of moving on, yet, so far in my existence in Thailand, I have done, what feels like nothing outside of being a wife and mom. And I know, that is enough--or supposed to be. It was enough because it was all I could do and as long as I chose to rest in the fact that I was where God had me, I was okay. Sure, the perceived and also real pressures and expectations of others did wear on me from time to time, but for the most part, I was fine. Yet, Friday, what I wasn't able to do hit me all over again.

Language barrier is still huge for me. I really am not even very able to operate in simple conversation right now. I've lost a little. I understand more than I speak, which can be frustrating. So really, I feel like I've been able to offer so little of myself to those around me. I know the faces at church, but I have never been able to speak into their lives. This hurts.

I told Dru that in spite of all we're told about women being made to be wives and mothers and finding their fulfillment therein, I still find with in me a longing to reach outside of my family as well. I want to give. I want to be a good hostess. I want to share. And as I long to be this kind of woman, my limitations frustrate me.

I am no super woman. When I work too hard, I get sick. If I'm on my feet too much, my feet cry out for mercy. I have to have a nap everyday because I'm a nursing mother. (I remember my mom telling me before I had children that nursing a baby makes you tired. It does!) But I hate taking naps. They're a dreadful waste of time. Right now the pinched nerve in my hip area is flaring up again. We're threatening to take me to the chiropractor.

So, being under the stress of our circumstances right now, along with wishing I could DO more, and being sad and frustrated by the isolation cause by the language barrier--well, like I said, it all came crashing in. So now I'm just hanging on and trying not to think about it.

I spent a pretty penny yesterday and bought myself the necessary cutting tool and mat for cutting out comforter blocks. The little bit I was able to do with it was more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I intend to cut all of my fabric scraps into squares and sew them together again. Then I shall get batting and back fabric and make them all into comforters for people less fortunate than I. This I can do without knowing how to speak Thai.

As far as our "present circumstances," I don't know how much to say at this point other than that we've run into a serious disagreement with Pastor Kiat concerning divorce and remarriage beliefs and it seems that in order to keep peace, we will need to move on soon. Where and to what we know not. We still love the people here, and the going will be hard. We intend to leave without creating "a stink," but it's requiring much wisdom. It's hard, painful work being the salt of the earth. Keep us in your prayers.