Monday, September 12, 2016

The Wagon Ride

I asked my man this question this morning: "Where is the fine line between knowing what you can handle and (responsibly) saying "no" to situations and opportunities that you know would stretch you beyond your limits, and being willing to hold your life with open hands and taking on really hard and seemingly impossible stuff and clinging to His grace, knowing it's sufficient. How do you know when to say "no" versus when to say, "I am being asked to do the impossible and I have no clue how to do it but God will have to be enough."

I think another way of asking this question is, "Is 'no' a responsible answer or is it the response of a soul that lacks faith...and how do I know the difference?"

I think God can use whatever decisions we make for His glory and His will isn't such a big puzzling thing to find. Might take some waiting, but God is more gracious than to tell us what He wants of us in riddles.

I do know that the grace of God is bigger than our answers to Him and when He desires something of us, He gently steers us in the right direction until we are there. I mean, not only does He direct our footsteps, He also guides our hearts until they are in tune with His will and desires.

When I was 15 years old, Dru was not cool. (Mildly put.) He was headed to the mission field and who knew what else...he was a tad um, weird.

I'm nearly 30. I married Dru. I have four kids. I've lived in Thailand for eight years. I don't like change, the city, overt adventure, or coming out of my comfort zone in general, but here I am.

I smiled to myself as I thought about this today. God has a way of putting you where He wants us, not only in our circumstances but in our hearts. Aren't we glad?

So I tell myself again today, "It's time to get on the wagon and hang on tight. Married to the man I am and having the God I do, there is no telling where we'll end up. Might as well figure out how to enjoy the adventure."

Meanwhile, I'm realizing that there is some terror in my heart about this next year. Quietly moving to Hat Yai without that interim step in the States would be a whole lot easier and safer feeling.

So as I'm sitting on this wagon, as it hurtles down the hill, I'm realizing that it's both thrilling and terrifying at the same time. But even as I enjoy this ride, I shall be periodically screaming at the top of my lungs nibbling my fingernails nervously and pensively. I'm wondering if we'll stop smoothly, with a few bumps, or just crash--leaving the wagon in shambles. I'm trusting that in the worst case scenario, God knows how to fix wagons--even when they're in splinters. He put me on this wagon, I'll trust Him for the ride.

Monday, September 5, 2016

Jumbled Thought Fragments

I keep trying to blog. Something profound and expressing all of my jumbled thoughts in a concise manner. But it's not coming out right--or not coming out at all. It's a combination of mommy brain and everything that's going on in our lives right now. Too much data on a slow computer, if you know what I mean.

I am thinking about how in the world I ended up with coffee shop going, city kids. Kids who don't know where carrots come from and what a whole sky full of dazzling stars on a dark night looks like. 

Thinking about communicating with my husband--I mean, we are communicating. But I'm processing the process. Because people change and life goes on and you forget the rules and have to review them. And make some new ones as our vulnerabilities shift. 

Thinking about having two babies right now. One with big serious eyes that are used for communicating with me because talking just ain't happening with words much yet. The other baby smiles even giggles some already. There isn't much serious about him except his need for food and more food--in case you couldn't tell by looking. The two of them rack up quite the diaper bill. I counted the other day--I changed eleven pampers.

Thinking about dreams and what to do with them. And wondering if they really are free after all. Depends on how you hold them, I guess.

I'm thinking about all of my earthly belongings and wondering which ones to store, which ones to take back to the States, which ones to pitch. Wondering how vulnerable I'm going to let myself be in the process. 

Thinking about Melinda coming in two weeks and all of the visiting and trotting around the city we're going to do. And wondering if we'll be able to stay up late and visit into the wee hours or not.

I'm thinking about my Mom and Dad coming next month for the first time. I'm still pinching myself to see if that's real. 

I'm smiling right now because my black board says, "Impossible is nothing for God". I went to a coffee shop and they had, "Impossible is Nothing" on the wall in black lettering. It made me think about it in a different way. So I came home and wrote it on the black board. Dru says it's bad English. It messes with his mind. Which makes me giggle gleefully.