Is the Guava still Green?

Am I still green? Am I even a "guava" anymore? I named this blog in reference to my husband's blog, "The Green Guava." In the end I've posted a lot more than he, and the title, "green guava" has come to feel as though it is my own.

The word for guava and foreigner is the same in Thai - "farang". For example: On Friday we spent time with Mae Wahn--a first for the family for months. She served green guavas. "Farang gin farang." Jube commented. There was the usual discussion about the play on words and how it may sound as though people eat people. Mae Wahn laughed--happy to have Jube back again.

Coming back to Thailand has felt strangely normal. I'm still working on putting these mixed-up feelings into words. I'm coming to realize that exotic is part of normal for my family. The mugginess feels normal. The food has become part of us. This city and its habits. Mae Wahn. They've all become a part of who we are and why we think as we do and do as we do. I cannot wrap my mind around this mystery.

How did this northern Wisconsin woman fall in love, land halfway across the world, and give birth to four children on foreign soil? In November of 2016 I went back to my Northern Wisconsin, reeling...tired and old to my bones. Two babies, back to back in the squelching hot season, along with the other pressures at the time, left me bone tired. Thirty years old - at least - and feeling every year of it. 

Four children, totally out, on the 90-minute ride between Bangkok airports.

I've come back to Thailand with my husband for four short weeks. I realize that the tiredness in my bones is lifting. I have no nursing babies and I'm not pregnant, so the heat feels bearable, even comfortable. 

I watch Jube know his way around this tropical city world and marvel. How did this come to be for this child of a Wisconsin country girl? I can't process this. I can not understand it, it is too big for me.

A familiar verse says, "Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it." I've been stuck, trying to decide if it is wonderful or not. It's been hard work and turmoil sometimes. It happened painfully slow really fast at places and now here I am. But I'm coming out on the other side again, and it really is wonderful after all.

But I don't feel very green anymore. There is still space I need right now between me and the world--specifically, the blogging world. Putting myself out there feels vulnerable. More than that, I'm not sure that blogging is the medium I'd like to use to share what I might with the world. I need space from the internet world in general as well. One day, the Green Guava's Wife, may begin posting again. But for now, I feel more like a turtle, going into its shell.

Sleeping at 500 mph five miles in the air requires creativity.

Turtles. Yes, like my kids' pet turtles. They just swim around the tank, and expect to be fed. And when they want privacy they just crawl into their shells. But a guava? It just hangs there on the tree. And ripens while people watch!!! There is nothing quite as vulnerable as a ripening guava. It's been good. I'm thankful for the experience. But, for me, at this stage of my life, it's turtle time. But, knowing me, I'll be back...maybe by that time I'll reincarnate again...perhaps I'll be a parrot, or a polar bear...who knows? Apparently, anything can happen when you're a Wisconsin country girl.

I keep thinking that I really need to either get at and blog, or decide I'm done blogging. I can't actually bring myself to quitting...so it sits here in silence, feeling alone and abandoned. The truth is, I'm not sure where to start. So much has changed. I don't even know where to begin. Here's what's taken place in the last sixish months or so.

-Melinda and Austin and Lexi came to see us in Thailand. All told, we spent nearly two weeks with them. Other than that nasty sickness Lexi had, it was a lovely time.

-My folks came to see us in Thailand. They'd bought their tickets for a very cheap price and came for about two weeks. It was a stressful, yet happy time. I was mostly a mess the whole time they were there because we were moving out. But it was so nice to finally have them see our world abroad. 

-What belongings we didn't sell were put into storage and we flew home, not knowing for how long but discovering that it would be longer than originally anticipated. That's a story I may or may not share here one day. 

-Dru was ordained into the ministry at our home church here. 

-Dru went on a trip to Thailand for a wedding is very nearly home again and we can't wait. So thankful that his trip was a good, bittersweet time. He's telling me that he's still feeling that we are where we need to be and that the hard decisions we had to make, still feel like the right ones to have made. This is good. So good!

Are we going back? Yes! One day we plan to. Do we know when? Hah! You know, I'm about done trying to make estimations about what God's timing might be in our lives. It never holds true. 

Why did we leave? Because of the direction we're wanting to head in Thailand, we are needing to change from one mission organization to another for purpose of team and support. We have the blessing of both of missions organizations for doing this and are thankful. The steps here are somewhat on hold as we don't know exactly when we will be returning to Thailand, but all the the ground work has been laid for this, 

I suppose that's a rather oversimplified version of our lives in the recent past. Honestly, some of it's been pretty hard. I'm at a place right now where I ask myself how much of what's going on in my heart do I really want to put on my blog? I find myself just wanting to sink into oblivion and just kind of find a quiet normal out of any spot lights or expectations. I'm not sure that that is bad or even unhealthy. 

My energies right now are going to go towards getting to know my church people support my man in his new role. It was no shocker to anyone that he was chosen for ordination. Least of all to me. I guess you might say I knew what I was getting into when I married that man. I try to tell myself that I'm used to my man being in ministry. Realistically I know that many aspects of this are going to be new and hard at spots. 

Actually I just might have just fibbed. My energies actually go to my children every day all day and night. I've been lazy today and yesterday, doing very little due to a full schedule before and not feeling well. The children  have mostly played happily all morning. If I go get to work they will get fussy and ornery.  That's just how it works. And lately my time management has been just terrible. Maybe having my hubby home and having to find a schedule will fix that. Maybe getting the cold out of my head will. Whatever the case, I will have to claw myself out of this slump soon. I'd be more concerned about it but so far today and yesterday, it's been a happy slump.

Tell me again why I let Jube pound nails in the kitchen? Anyway, the nail went into the board and he's happy, so I'll let it go until the two year old (who is trying out this whole "terrible" thing) needs to go down for his nap. I'm going to go comb my hair, change a pamper, and make lunch. You all have a nice day.