About Grace I Guess

I don’t know how to start this blog post. I don’t know how vulnerable I want to be. I am vulnerable right now. Not overly stable. But I know it, and so does my man, so we’re dealing with it alright I guess.
Dealing with making a huge life decision while I battle through my fears, insecurities, and selfishnesses. I’m hoping that my feeling incredibly weak of brain and soul  and very dependent on the grace of God, is exactly where I’m supposed to be in this process. I wonder if this weakness I feel is a good thing or not. I mean, should Christians feel this way all the time—I mean, I don’t always feel like I have that sound mind I’m supposed to as a Christian. But I do battle the fear…lack the love…and the power… So while I feel pretty vulnerable, I realize I’m thrown smack into the mercy and grace of God because there’s nothing left.
I do realize that I can’t continue like this forever. I’m not sure if how I’m feeling is Biblical or not but thankfully God is bigger than my feelings.  I read Romans 8 the other night and it said that all of this is for a purpose and that I’m in good hands. My part is to walk in the Spirit and keep on. I was amazed at how many ways it says in that chapter that God has this thing, this “thing”, being me.
And us. My family. I don’t like to say it, but I was questioning it. I wondered what God was doing with us these past two years and why He didn’t give us clearer direction in the past. Where was He and did He really care about us in a personal way? Could I depend on Him for our future?My man said yes, and reminded me how God was there for us in the past two years and all the blessings He gave.
He did bless us. I can cry on two counts simultaneously. One, that it did feel so wandering and depressing for us. Two, that He did hand me personally so many good good things to see me through. There were times that Dru was pounding his head against a proverbial wall as he struggled through  work, relationship, and discipleship issues, and depression. There were feelings of failure for both of us. Weakness. Yet Hannah has been here to help us twice in the past two  years over the times that God blessed us with baby boys. Dru has been able to help support us with his job. Adam came to visit. Bob and Yai were baptized. Amy was here once. I got to go visit the States once. Dru’s teaching at School of Promise was a fulfilling and happy thing for him. God was good to us.
I shall now make a bold statement: I think that many young couples and newly weds move to the mission field—not because they are super spiritual—but because they are rather more naïve. This is not in anyway to minimize their calling. It is to say that it is very hard to count the cost when you have no idea what the price tag is. I’m pretty sure God does this on purpose sometimes, fully aware that He’s going to have to cover the difference with His grace. Did I know when I married Dru that I would be moving far, far away from everything I knew and held dear, other than him? Yes. Would I have prayed harder, and wrestled more with it, had I known all of the ramifications? Absolutely. However, the circumstances that precluded my courtship with Dru left me sure, without a doubt, that it was His will for me to marry that man. That can not be shaken in my mind, and for that I have been thankful many times. So my calling here is sure, but I came naïvely.
What does that have to do with  where we are at now? Well, for me the question is, now that I’m not naïve anymore, am I still willing to stay? Still willing to be where my man feels called? Still willing to find my calling along side of  his? Because now we’re at a crossroads and there are about three different options up in the air. The easy option for me does not seem easy for him, and visa versa.
But by the grace of God, I’ve come a ways from a month ago. We’re visiting Hot Yai this weekend to see what there is to see down there. Back to Hang Dong is another option. Then there is also Hayward. Truly, what we want most of all is peace and very clear direction as to the will of God for our family.