I Crashed

So, after being able to cope so well for the last month as decisions to be made kept piling up and stress levels began to rise, I crashed on Friday. The peace I'd had suddenly turned into an awful heaviness. Perhaps it was because the real stuff started--that is, the tangible conflict. Rubber began to hit the road, so to speak.

I realized that we were on the verge of moving on, yet, so far in my existence in Thailand, I have done, what feels like nothing outside of being a wife and mom. And I know, that is enough--or supposed to be. It was enough because it was all I could do and as long as I chose to rest in the fact that I was where God had me, I was okay. Sure, the perceived and also real pressures and expectations of others did wear on me from time to time, but for the most part, I was fine. Yet, Friday, what I wasn't able to do hit me all over again.

Language barrier is still huge for me. I really am not even very able to operate in simple conversation right now. I've lost a little. I understand more than I speak, which can be frustrating. So really, I feel like I've been able to offer so little of myself to those around me. I know the faces at church, but I have never been able to speak into their lives. This hurts.

I told Dru that in spite of all we're told about women being made to be wives and mothers and finding their fulfillment therein, I still find with in me a longing to reach outside of my family as well. I want to give. I want to be a good hostess. I want to share. And as I long to be this kind of woman, my limitations frustrate me.

I am no super woman. When I work too hard, I get sick. If I'm on my feet too much, my feet cry out for mercy. I have to have a nap everyday because I'm a nursing mother. (I remember my mom telling me before I had children that nursing a baby makes you tired. It does!) But I hate taking naps. They're a dreadful waste of time. Right now the pinched nerve in my hip area is flaring up again. We're threatening to take me to the chiropractor.

So, being under the stress of our circumstances right now, along with wishing I could DO more, and being sad and frustrated by the isolation cause by the language barrier--well, like I said, it all came crashing in. So now I'm just hanging on and trying not to think about it.

I spent a pretty penny yesterday and bought myself the necessary cutting tool and mat for cutting out comforter blocks. The little bit I was able to do with it was more fun than a barrel of monkeys. I intend to cut all of my fabric scraps into squares and sew them together again. Then I shall get batting and back fabric and make them all into comforters for people less fortunate than I. This I can do without knowing how to speak Thai.

As far as our "present circumstances," I don't know how much to say at this point other than that we've run into a serious disagreement with Pastor Kiat concerning divorce and remarriage beliefs and it seems that in order to keep peace, we will need to move on soon. Where and to what we know not. We still love the people here, and the going will be hard. We intend to leave without creating "a stink," but it's requiring much wisdom. It's hard, painful work being the salt of the earth. Keep us in your prayers.